When my kids began to date, I might have given more consideration to the topic than the average well-rounded, successful, happily married person. I was many things, but I was not that. My emphasis on dating was the expectations of each person, to maintain their integrity and to remain true to one’s self. My dating philosophy sounds easy enough. But so does resisting that last piece of fried chicken. We all know that a simple concept doesn’t necessarily translate to an easy execution. But if we can approach dating, or at least, our reaction to dating, with a few basic practices, I think we can better manage our grief now, and save ourselves from more grief later.

Coming from a divorced woman who has dated very little in the last eleven years, I understand why someone might disregard my opinion. Most people who read this are probably married or have dated much more than I. But what I possess that you may not, are a couple of things. One, I have learned a lot from my mistakes. And two, because of my divorce, I had the opportunity to discover myself, in a space of aloneness. Can I use that word? Is it a word? Dr. Seuss would use it, so I’m leaving it.

Time to reflect on my mistakes and emerge from a place of struggle and autonomy has equipped me for many things.  It’s the source of lots of opinions, based on personal experience. Additionally, I have had three dates since January, one of which lasted for three months. See? I am qualified.

At the beginning of my online dating experience, when it was fun and novel, I thought it would be relatively easy to share my experience. That was until I met someone I liked. Someone worth exploring. I wondered if he would be “the one.” I know, “the one” sounds ambitious. But I am hoping to find a guy who wants to share the rest of his life with me. Real-time documentation suddenly didn’t feel right. Reality TV is not in my future.

Writing about one’s dating life is super intimate. With good friends, transparency is my middle name. However, my middle name changes when we’re talking about going public. Being able to reflect and work through this has been a great luxury, and now I have some things I can share, that won’t read like you’ve broken the lock on my personal diary.

HERE GOES. A whole book could be written on this topic, so understand this is a snapshot of my dating philosophy.

I value the dating process. . .

I went into this relationship with the same mentality I had developed several years back when my kids began to date. If respected, the dating process is an awesome opportunity of discovery, before we make a permanent decision. I say, “if respected,” because often people don’t treat dating like a temporary experience. Instead, subconsciously they commit to the relationship in a permanent sense before there’s a mutual agreement of where the relationship is headed.

Unless both parties have agreed to marriage, I believe either party can call it off, FOR WHATEVER REASON. I understand that there is more to this when a couple has been dating for a long time. This point could have its own chapter. But let’s assume we’re talking about six months or less (but I’m inclined to have the same philosophy for longer periods of time as well). Regardless if one person feels the relationship going in a good direction, it is either person’s right to call it off, FOR WHATEVER REASON. This frees both people to continue in their search.

Breaking up (reverting to my junior high vernacular) is especially hard when you’re focused on marriage, you’re old(er), or it appears that a target has come into view. I had to remind myself of my own dating philosophy. That as much as I liked what I was experiencing, it would not serve either of us well to manipulate or maneuver it. Understanding that dating is a time of exploration, we both have the right to end the discovery.

The best and least we can give one another is kindness. We can’t and shouldn’t attempt to force virtues on another person. We have no right to demand any more than what they want to give us. If they have asked to end the relationship, I believe we should honor their request with very little contest.

Does that mean we were just handed a crappy day, that seeps into a few weeks? Probably. But that doesn’t change that explanations are not owed to either party. The breakup experience is still part of your story, individually and within your relationship. It’s the whole process that refines both of you. It is beautiful, valuable, and sometimes, difficult and painful.

Frequently couples “stick it out”, because the thought of hurting another person is so troublesome. Breaking up seems unkind. As hard as it is to be the breakee (new word), for me, it is more difficult to be the breaker (another new word), unless you don’t mind kicking dogs. OK, I’m joking, but for many people, the anticipation of hurting another person is something to avoid at all cost.  At times truth, authenticity, and sincerity may be uncomfortable and hurt. But almost always, it is the right thing.

If we grant each other this liberty, we can avoid the darts that get thrown and save us wasted time attempting to force relationships that result in bad outcomes.

Remember, we are D A T I N G.

Why it hurts so bad when it ends. . .

After just three months, with Stay at Home orders, and a long-distance relationship, it was still really sad to break up with Bill (Not his real name. Poor guy; he dated someone who blogs!). I think there are two main reasons breakups hurt. One is because we give someone our heart. The other is because we begin to establish a culture that becomes comfortable and familiar, which is where I love to sit. But for this post, I’m going to focus mostly on our hearts.

We hand another person the most tender, powerful part of us. The part that stores our emotions, desires, aspirations, hopes, dreams, feels pain, loss, and grief. We do this, because we care about something. Most likely, it is this other person. Although it’s not always just that, but this snapshot prevents me from elaborating.

This is no different than many things we put our heart into. On a team, you play to win. When you’re not on the field, you think about the game. You prepare off the field and execute on the field. You don’t hesitate. You move forward with ambition, desire, and determination. You dodge bullets, endure discomfort, and subject yourself to pain. On fourth downs you deliberate and make strategic decisions. Your heart is all in.

I think dating well looks the same. Of course, there are stages and circumstances vary. Some relationships require more effort and experience more challenges. They’re all different. Our hearts attach to the unique personality of the relationship. You keep at it because along the way you’ve decided this person is worth the efforts, sacrifice, or emotions you’re handing over. You’re in it to win it.

This is the beauty of life. You expose your talents, skills, personality, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities. A lot is going right. Then you mess up a little, but so what? We all do it. It’s a fumble! You get back up and recover. You keep at it. But then the game clock ends, and you’re left standing there, wondering why you’re stuck in the middle of a play that can’t be finished. Nobody asked you, and the game is over. You didn’t win, and it hurts.

But here’s the thing: unless you cheated, lied, or stole, you played a fair game. If you gave it all you could, you played well. That’s all we can do when we’re looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right. My objective is to find a person who wants to play with me for the rest of my life. After a few sucky weeks, things begin to turn around. We recognize how much we’ve gained, and we’re ready to play again.

When in doubt, stand still. . .

This is an old saying, even before my time! If we aren’t sure about something, then we’re unsure, which means we’re in doubt. Right after a break-up, we are pretty unsure about a lot of things. The relationship, the sincerity of it, the person, our judgment, the list goes on.

I think the hardest thing to do at this time, is to stand still. We desperately want comfort and instinctually want to grab at the most convenient thing. Most often, we think we’ll find comfort in answers. We’re tempted to demand them in an effort to finish the play. What? I wasn’t done! You said this, and what about that? When we don’t get answers, we consider another relationship. We want to be assured that we’re okay. We are, aren’t we?  We’re desperate to compensate for the new loneliness and the abrupt change in culture that has us looking around like Marty McFly in 1955. If we’re not careful, we could find ourselves twirling, into the arms of a tragic country song.

In that moment, our vision is so blurred and our motives so self-serving, that really, the best thing we can do is to be still, be sad, cry, and pray. Even when it doesn’t make sense, we need to accept that we lost this one. There are a million ways we can interfere with God’s plan. I think we have the advantage of seeing his plan, if when in doubt, we stand still.

Trust God (when you’ve asked Him to guide you). . .

After the breakup, I kept coming back to this. We both prayed, together and separately, that God would bless us individually and as a couple. My prayers are a sincere conversation with God. When Bill broke it off with me, I wanted explanations as we all do. But thankfully, Bill was spared the tears when I chose to trust God and honor the dating process that I so much respect.

I mostly stood still.

I don’t think I can write this post without addressing two things. Yes, the hundred miles between us was a challenge. The Stay at Home orders were executed a few weeks into our relationship. That was an even bigger challenge. But I don’t consider either of those obstacles an explanation of why things didn’t work out for us. Because, if both of us wanted our relationship we would have overcome the obstacles that stood in our way.

When we date well, it will hurt when we lose (meaning the relationship ends). When we date well and lose, we will recover and continue. When we date well, and lose, and recover, and continue,  one day we’ll find our team, and win the game.

Whew… this was a long one. Happy D A T I N G . . . whatever that looks like during a pandemic!

Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.  John 1: 3-5

This notebook is not my “look.” In fact, I think it’s ugly. It was one of the few things I inherited when my mom died. I knew it had its place; in my purse and out of view. It reflects my mom’s personality, and using it for God’s word was a perfect way to honor her. I decided to use this ugly little thing for the most beautiful thing: Promises that would inspire me when I needed it, or inspire others for the same reason.

MY PRAYER

Jesus, you are my life. May your light show me what you see, beyond what is right before me, and into the hearts of those around me. May your light reveal what is true and right and forever. Whatever my eyes see or I perceive, may your light provide better vision that will give hope where there is darkness, and light the path that leads myself and others toward restoration.

 

Forgive my horrible writing. In the moments when I write in this book, I’m usually cramming the gem onto the page, determined to retain the comfort for another time, but not concerned with my penmanship. I wish I could share this with you with pride in my writing style. If I could, I’d have my friend who writes beautiful calligraphy enter them. They deserve that attention.

 

From my little book of verses in my purse.

Hmmmm. What should I write about? Did you know the world has turned upside down? And yes, the whole world! Instead of sports and politics, our news is consumed with updates on the Coronavirus, aided with pictures of germs and viruses that are blown up a million times plus. I guess the media thinks we want to know what this germ looks like up close, but I wish they would ease up on that.

I began to do my bible study this morning, and before I delved into it, I changed my mind. I have a small notebook I keep in my purse that contains many favorite verses. Instead of my bible study, I decided to indulge in receiving the comfort of those verses. No studying, just lingering in the presence of promises. Those verses melted over me, like the coolness of a morning evaporates while the sun rises into the sky, my soul warmed and snuggled into the Holy Spirit with hope and assurance that all would be well.

I’m glad I did that, because the morning’s memory rested on me like a seat belt, with a sense of security in spite of someone running a red light in my path. I ran errands for Juggle Source later in the day. Evidence all around me seemed as surreal as the colorful blown up coronavirus pictures that display on the TV screen.

Costco managed its customers with thoughtful and bold crowd management, Fred Meyer closed off coolers and other sections due to a power failure, and I heard someone say that Winco was closing for a week (that was not confirmed). There were no paper products or chicken at Costco, and shelves were bare at both stores. These scenes of unfamiliar chaos and strangeness caused me to question the certainty of this small part of the world that I know so well. Yet, my spirit was not defeated.

I was shaken, but I wanted to take it in. I want to see the people, desperate to get food that we assume will be waiting for us tomorrow. I shook my head for a minute at a woman who clearly saw that my position was ahead of her when she veered at an angle to grab my anticipated place in line.

Then I unshook my head, and thought of the opportunity I have to assist her in this tiny moment, by smiling and acknowledging her need, whatever it is. I want to see the the empty shelves and coolers, and know that I have something in common with people who live in countries half a world away from me. I want to encourage the cashier who I’ve seen a thousand times, but never paid her much attention. I want to check in on my neighbors, because being in this store in this moment might be more than what they can do on this day, and maybe more than I can do tomorrow.

I take a lot for granted, one being my health. But in this moment, I realize that I never considered some things to be precious. Toilet paper, and paper products in general, salt, touching, hugging, holding, and kissing people I love and care about.

Socializing, restaurants, and entertainment. Sports, teams, practicing, playing, competing, and preparing. Church, work, shopping, celebrations such as weddings and birthdays. These are all things precious today, tomorrow, and for who knows how long?

I want to move beyond the disappointment that this American life isn’t meeting my needs.  I want to inhale this life, breathe it in, breathe it out, but I must do it from at least six feet from you.

I want to exercise my faith in God. I want to grasp what’s at stake, take hold of it, and make use of it.

On this day I’m glad to be healthy and I hope to be used.

I’m also really grateful for “The Voice.”

And, Happy St. Patrick’s Day, and Happy Birthday, Clare.

Yum. Well, the store only had purple cabbage. I already had to wash out purple splatters on my shirt, but purple or not. It is good!

Checking in with a few friends as I head out for my first Valentine’s date in over ten years!

My last post said that my next post would be on my on line dating life. That was over two weeks ago. Not that this is good news to you, but good news for me is that I have met someone! And honestly, in the moment, I’m not crazy about writing about it.

First off, a new relationship finds hours in a day you didn’t know you had. But those hours are spent on each other, not on writing blog posts. It’s true that this time in my life, having left a FT job and started Juggle Source, allows me flexibility. I believe whole heartedly that when I was working my FT job, if Brad Pitt were knocking on my door I could not have found time to date him. I know that’s hard to believe, but my sanity is dependent on my home, spiritual life, my kids, friends, job, learning how to do a job, etc. There are only so many hours in a day, and Brad would have gotten the boot. Well, unless he would have joined me in the yard and at church. Then I would have considered him.

When I left my job last August, I didn’t think, “I’m going to start a new job and date.” In fact, it didn’t enter my mind once. But somewhere in the midst of creating Juggle Source and talking with a friend, I had a sobering thought that my marketability was narrowing. Finding a partner wasn’t something I consciously considered. I just “figured” it might happen some day. Then I realized that nothing was happening, and that if I wanted to be with someone, which I very much do, in spite of my ten year absence from a partner, I would need to create a plan. Like my courageous friend, I decided I would follow her lead and explore dating, on line. So I signed up for EHarmony.

I referred to my personality quiz results in the post (see link above). I am impressed with how EHarmony is able to use those quizzes to match people. In a 30 minute quiz, EHarmony has you figured out, kind of. About 10 years ago, in the middle of a night when I was sick, had slept all day, and couldn’t sleep, I decided to hunt around on EHarmony. I really wasn’t interested in dating. Not in the least, and I think my personality quiz showed that, because even after entering a mileage distance of “unlimited”, my results came back with no matches. NO MATCHES. IN THE WHOLE UNITED STATES. It could have had something to do with a few of my answers. For example, the one that asked what my trust level is on a scale of 1 to 10. I think I put 2. I trusted my kids, so they each got a point. I really wasn’t upset, and in fact it humored me. But there must have been something in my voice when I called my friend. Or maybe she couldn’t imagine that a person could overcome such rejection, because she brought me flowers the next day.

This time around I must be pretty matchable, because there are more matches than a person could possibly consider. However, there are very few in Oregon. Even with that, there are many matches that would be a disaster from the get go. Like one who says, “Looking for Mrs. Right. A beautiful woman who takes care of herself and embraces life with enthusiasm and vitality.” And what happens when she stops taking care of herself because a crisis erupts in her life and she’s crippled with heartache over a child who is sick or has lost a job and can’t make the mortgage payments for his family of four? Or, “Looking for a woman who is able to pick up and leave at a moment’s notice and discover the world.” That’s a nice idea, and he’s a match for someone, but I don’t know how he got mixed in with my matches. I’d be like, “Sure! Let’s go. Can you mow the lawn first, spread the bark dust, and weed the back yard? Oh, and supplement my income?”

Yet… there are some that are just right. It’s too early to talk about him specifically. But I will tell you this: Dating is fun until you like someone. What I mean is that I enjoyed the two times I met someone (I call them meetings, because it’s not really a date). It was fun to go make conversation and see what happens. They were both good and seemingly quality men, but there was no chemistry. I can analyze that, but what’s the point? In time, they will likely meet someone with whom they do have chemistry. I’m big on chemistry. I feel like it starts with that. There are things that attract me to a person, and it’s not good or bad. Oil and water don’t mix, but oil and water are good by themselves. It’s not fair to dissect a person because after one date, I’m not “feelin’ it.” It’s two people coming together that mix well. Then you move to other things, like values, life goals, etc. For me, his love for Jesus. However, that wasn’t always the case.

Then I connected with a third person. He lives in Washington, so meeting wasn’t easy. After a few days of online chat, we moved to the phone where suddenly I found two and three hours in a day to talk on the phone. In the evening, I stretched out on my couch and chemistry waves flowed through the phone as if he was closer to me than Winky who nestled into my thigh. We scheduled our first meeting: Valentine’s Day. During the two weeks of getting to know him by phone, and the anticipation of meeting him, was both fun and terrifying, because I liked him.

The plan was that he would come here (check 1). Suddenly everything needed attention. The extra five pounds that hung on since the holidays. Date clothes had to be found (like I found time to talk on the phone, I found time for shopping and money for clothes. I hate shopping, so I knew I was serious). I sent pics to friends of outfit combinations and I modeled outfits for one good friend and raided her closet. I got things in order that I’d put off. I shaved my legs. I cleaned up my yard from the winter ruins, and cleaned my house like I was hosting a party (of 1).

As the big day approached I vacillated between excitement and dread. Excitement if I liked him in person as much as I liked him on the phone, and dread that in person would be a disappointment, to either of us. On Valentine’s Day morning I prayed, “God, don’t let us cause each other pain.” I liked him too much for that. I didn’t want to be a source of pain, and I also didn’t want to be the subject of it. I continue to ask God to lead me and us. My prayer was also, that God’s will be done. I don’t necessarily believe that God appoints someone for us. I’m not saying he doesn’t, but I am confident that God has given me the ability to make my own decisions, and when I’m in communion with him, he will guide me.  God wants what is best for me, so I am doing my best to allow the relationship to develop without force, manipulation, or fear. It’s still early and good things take time, also something that wasn’t always the case.

Our Valentine’s date was awesome. It lasted for two days (not nights), and we continue to talk. That’s all the time I have now. I’ve got to get to work, and save time for an hour or so of phone time tonight. Our phone time has slowed down, thank goodness. So I got to write a post!

 

 

 

 

Facebook Banner: by Machele Brass

Today I’m off to my favorite place: the beach. I get to combine work and pleasure, and am so very grateful for the two things coming together. To top if off, a friend is coming with.

I really wanted to bring a friend, and marveled at how determined I was to have someone with me. In the past I would relish a weekend at the beach alone. Last year I spent several of my summer vacation days alone and didn’t think I could get enough of it. I’m here to tell you, that if you are a people person like myself, you learn that neither extreme is good long term.

Loneliness, which I had rarely felt, is a new adversary. I know I mentioned before that when I worked FT, I longed to be left alone for a moment or two. Within the first week of working from home I discovered that a moment or two was what I wanted, not moments that never seemed to end!

Right away I discovered how easily distracted I was when a friend contacted me. Previously, work demanded that I put off friends who wanted to make contact during the work day. Suddenly my demands weren’t quite demands, but aspirations, and they seem more amendable to interruptions. Especially when loneliness prevails.

Intention is always our friend (coming from a pragmatic person), and it’s my weapon in this battle. Bills are my motivator: the house that I want to keep, the vacations I want to take, manicures, and everything in between. Aspirations that birthed this journey are flexibility and financial security. My behaviors have to support those two goals.

So I get out of bed in the morning, even though I understand, possibly for the first time, how dark clouds and pelting rain can affect the spirit. I set time goals to work before I allow distractions to win, and then I eagerly connect with a friend, or sometimes, anything that gives life (Winky, nature, a walk, an errand, an EHarmony check) to fill me up for the next few hours of work.

My notable accomplishments to date:

  1. Website is established
  2. I added a blog to it
  3. Sent out a mass email/slow mail announcement for Juggle Source
  4. Created a Facebook page

Those are/were all challenges for me. I have/had no idea what I am/was doing. The growing pains are real. Frustrations of how to post successful pictures on different social media platforms, liability insurance for a business like Juggle Source stumped even insurance brokers, bookkeeping management… Everything is new and often elusive. There isn’t enough gratitude for friends who help with resources and listen to me while I contemplate out loud. If learning new things keep us young, Fifty Nine is the new 20!

Now what?

I wait. No, I do not wait! But sincerely, what? The foundation is looking good. Now I pursue opportunities with friends, acquaintances, and business peers to communicate my service and pray that the Lord blesses this effort!

EHarmony update next.